Dear Census organisers,
How many visitors are staying overnight here on 27 March 2011?
Overnight? Well there's the homeless Eskimo who's been staying with me for the past 3 months, but since he works the night shift at the fish-packing plant and only sleeps here during the day, he's not going to show up on your census.
What type of accommodation is this?
It's a Tyneside flat. It's one of two flats that look like a terraced house. That's not quite the same as a tenement flat, but it's not a terraced house either. I could put "in a purpose-built block of flats or tenement". Although purpose-built might be stretching it a little too. It's quite likely this place was assembled completely by accident.
What type of central heating does this accommodation have?
Useless.
What is your sex? Male / Female
There's no "Trans / Intersex / Other" option? That's appalling.
Do you stay at another address for more than 30 days a year?
I suppose I do...
What is that address?
OK, so I have a choice of "Another parent or guardian's address" or "Other". What does it mean by "another parent"? The parent other than the one you usually live with? Way to make me feel like a 12-year-old, census.
Do you look after, or give any help or support to family members, friends, neighbours or others because of... problems related to old age?
Yes. I'm 90 years old and suffer from Alzheimer's, and I allowed my great-granddaughter who's studying nursing to interview me as part of her coursework.
How would you describe your national identity? English / Welsh / Scottish / Northern Irish / British / Other, write in
I wouldn't describe my national identity as anything. I wouldn't describe my national identity. It's a silly, divisive concept. Could I get away with "Earthling"?
What is your ethnic group?
One of the choices is "Irish"? But that was a national identity a second ago? You're telling me that Irish is a distinct ethnic group to say, Scottish, but that a Nigerian, a Somalian and a black South African are all just "African"?
Could a British person tick "Any other White background" and write "Caucasian"? Because if Caucasian isn't an acceptable ethnic group on the grounds that the census people won't know whether you could have ticked the British box but didn't, it must be equally unacceptable for say, a Armenian? So they would have to specify that they're an Armenian, whereas a Senegalese CANNOT specify that they're a Senegalese or even a Francophone-African, they just have to tick "African".
Yeah, so earlier when I said this census was making me feel like a 12-year-old, I wasn't talking about the kind that comes in a whisky glass, but I am now.
What is your main language? English / Other, write in (including British Sign Language)
It's a good thing I don't have to write in British Sign Language as my main language, because the row of boxes isn't long enough.
How well can you speak English?
Eh, je ne comprends pas cette question. Ce boîte-ci, "Not at all" - ça veut dire "tres bien", n'est-ce pas?
Last week, were you: [working as an employee, etc]
I'm filling this census in on a Sunday, as per your instructions, so what I was doing last week depends whether I'm one of those people who think the week starts on Sunday.
How do you usually travel to work?
Since I occasionally get a lift to work, and always get a lift home, I use a car for more than 50% of all my to-and-from-work journeys combined. But since you've specified to work, the statistically correct answer is bus.
There are no more questions for Person 1.
That's a shame, I was enjoying that.
=D are you going to attach this blog to your census form and let them know how ridiculous and flawed to you their questions are?
ReplyDeleteOn a more obvious note, there's also question 17: "This question intentionally left blank." Which is of course neither blank nor a question.
ReplyDeleteOn the sex question, technically that could be interpreted as asking what sexual organs you have, since it's 'sex' rather than 'gender'. But since I doubt that's how the census people intended it, it is, as the Buddhists would say, "A question wrongly put."
Even better example of the ethnic group thing: if Caucasian isn't specific enough, then a Jew born in Tel-Aviv would have to put Israeli for his/her ethnic group. An Arab from the house next door would be lumped in with all the other Arabs from Mauritania to Iraq. That's insane.
ReplyDeleteI'm disappointed in myself for not remembering that French quotes look like «this».
I *hope* sex = sexual organs isn't what the census people intended, because that would suggest they're living on a different planet where there are no pre-op transexuals.
Actually, one's sex is one's sexual organs. Not generally used that way, but it's a definition, and one which is sometimes used in the case of pre-op transexuals, where their sex is one thing, but their gender is another.
ReplyDeleteSex is the physical aspect, gender the mental one.
I get that, but even so, I think it's a stretch to call Miriam male because she has a penis, when all her secondary sexual characteristics are those of a woman.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this :D
ReplyDelete